Transitioning from Hustvedt’s narration into Jamison’s allows for a lens of comparison that I otherwise might not have noted. Jamison eloquently phrases what I struggled with in Hustvedt’s narrative. I struggled with relating to Hustvedt’s story as a personal narrative because she relied on the medical jargon and clinical knowledge to give a lens to her discussion of her own illness. In contrast Jamison rather succinctly introduces the raw, and emotional side of her illness and her own hesitation to reveal the dark intricacies of her mind, whether or not she will be judged professionally or personally for them “It has been a difficult at times to weave together the scientific discipline of my intellectual field with the more compelling realities of my own emotional experiences”(7). Jamison has navigated through telling her story by using her psychiatric knowledge, but has worked to not allow her medical knowledge be a sheild protecting the world from seeing who or her disease are. This introduction allows for a sort of permission to the reader to experience Jamison’s story as her personal story, more similar to a novel, memoir or diary than a recount of foreign experiences, observations and possible diagnoses.
Jamison has ownership of her perspective as a narrator and of the voice that she presents, but the clarity that she provides was not always accessible to her. In the early stages of her mood swings she discusses this feeling of disconnection, “I counted upon my mind’s acuity, interest, and loyalty as a matter of course. Now, all of a sudden, my mind had turned on me…”(38). It is complicated and confusing to consider how an author like Jamison is able to have ownership over her voice while simultaneously reflecting on a feeling of separation and disconnection from her own experience/mind/body. Her position as a narrator, feels to be more tuned in to those past experiences, they did not happen to her body as a separate entity but occurred within her mind and body- she recounts her experience during those manic episodes comes from a first hand position despite the fact that she felt her mind was fighting against her.
I am naturally led to question whether or not she has tangible memories of this feeling of her brain betraying her or if that is a conclusion that she has come to after the fact? I believe that she was aware of the betrayal in those moments, but lacked the ability to understand it?
Jamison point of view on her mood disorder makes me question is she actually was writing at that time when it happen to her or she wrote this later to tell others about her disorder. It was interesting that the author actually knows that the change is happening in her mood compare to Hustvedt. It’s her personal thing that she wants everyone to know about it, but at some points I don’t get it what the plane crash has to do with her story or buying the horse. Did those things really help her through her mood change, as a writer what she actually wants to tell the readers?
Cara,
I think you posed such a great question about whether Jamison had any actually memories of her brain betraying her – I think she did! I believe that at the time she wasn’t sure or wasn’t necessarily aware of it but looking back, she realized that’s exactly what it was. There are a couple of instances where she’s thinking back to when her “brain turned on her” or changed her. She seems to know exactly when things started changing for her – “I was fifteen years old, and everything in my world began to fall apart” (30) Even though she’s also referring to moving away from Washington, it obviously means more than just that. She goes on to describe how her “thinking would take a downward turn toward the really dark and brooding side of life” (35) She can even recall how old she was and around the time this happened – “sixteen or seventeen”, right around the time her father too fell in to a great depression. She then recalls again, during her senior year in high school -“the bottom began to fall out of my life and mind. My thinking, far from being clearer than crystal, was tortuous” (37)
Jamison seems to be able to think far enough in to her memory to recall these specific instances in her past where her life was changing. She know can see the clear signs of when her mind was turning on her, although she really had no idea of what was going on when it first began.
Great post!
Jamison references a few different point in her life that she can now reflect back on and realize that she was not in a healthy state of mind, but she wasn’t aware of it at the time. She referecnes being a child, and not knowing how good at concealing her emotional state was.
I think the rash decision to buy a horse was an example how spontaneous and out of control her line of thinking was, and the plane crash was a metaphor for the turn her childhood took when she was a teenager.
I won’t give away any details, but later in the book we’ll see some pretty vivid examples of Jamison’s memory of her experiences with mania.
I agree that Jamison does actually recall instances in her childhood where her brain “betrayed” her (also good citing of examples, Brandely). You bring up interesting points in your post, Cara, and also wrote in response to Brandely, in part, “Jamison references a few different point in her life that she can now reflect back on and realize that she was not in a healthy state of mind, but she wasn’t aware of it at the time.” I might argue otherwise; that Jamison was aware (even at that time) that she did not have a healthy state of mind. Rather, she might have been unsure of voicing her feelings because of 1. stigma/a belief to keep one’s problems to oneself (as she tries to hide her emotions from concerned individuals, one example on page 39 where the easy response of “I’m fine, but thank you for asking” is given in spite of knowing “something was dreadfully wrong, but I had no idea what”) and 2. the language surrounding her condition had not been adequately developed (and I would also argue that the language still isn’t adequately developed). On the latter point, I think it’s interesting to think about how a text (e.g., this one, “An Unquiet Mind”) can give voice to an illness/disorder in order to give it some kind of “legitimacy” and to increase awareness (in people who have the condition but might not know how to articulate it, and people who don’t have it but want to have some bit of understanding).
I agree Jasbir, I did not quite understand what the plane crash had to do with buying the horse either. I feel as though maybe it helped her mood in a sense that when we are feeling upset or helpless sometimes people do crazy things to make themselves feel better? I do not know exactly how she must be feeling or what buying the horse really helped her feel but I guess it worked for her. I do feel as though her mood disorder makes her constant changing and doing different things somehow helps her. I think originally when I read I never saw Bi-Polar as a serious problem which caused death. I simply thought the struggle was specifically between being happy and sad and after reading I see how much more in depth this disorder can be and how it really effects her life and the choices she makes for herself.
Michael,
I agree and was what I was trying to point out. Although she may not have had a clear understanding of what was going on at the time, at this point in her life and the novel she seems to have a grasp on what was happening at the time and realizing NOW that she was in an unhealthy state of mind THEN.
Very awesome discussion! Looking forward to next week