In this story Casey begins by telling us that the reason for writing was because she wanted to seethe effect of her depression from the view of others. She states, I am doing research trying to find out what the experience of my depression was like for other people (pg 281)”. This seemed peculiar to me because we have not read a story where the author tries to find how their experience effects others, they usually try and find a solution or explanation for themselves through medical research. Casey, telling us her family is full of writers, reads her mothers personal journal about how she was effected by her daughters condition.

This was a hard read for me personally, not on an academic level, but on a personal level. She tells the story as if she were writing in her own journal and goes through the events of the day. If anyone has ever dealt with depression you know that going through the everyday motion of simply telling yourself to get up and get dressed and leave the house can be very difficult. She describes her condition as a “blackout drunk depression (pg 284)” , which really is a great way to describe the condition in a way others can understand. Being “blackout drunk” is in a way showing how depression completely takes over you to the point where you are almost unconscious to real life.

Throughout her daily activities she is constantly feeling like she cannot survive and is continuously feeling the urge to go back to the hospital. The hospital it seems is a place of comfort to her. Even laying with her mother in bed she tells how she still gets the urge to want to kill herself. Interestingly though, when she finally gets to the hospital she feels so embarrassed that she does not want to be admitted back. For me, I would always feel the same way. It’s a feeling of embarrassment and shame to look at those who tried to help you and feel as if you have failed them because the thoughts you tried to get rid of are still there.

She mentions her apartment that feels estranged to her. She says, “not in my apartment in Brooklyn where I felt like a guest in someone else’s falling apart life- unanswered phone calls, unopened mail, rotting fruit on top of the refrigerator, and something unidentifiable and feeling inside, piles of dirty dishes, tumble weeds of dust, books I didn’t remember reading, furniture I couldn’t remember buying, pictures of my friends and family that seemed to belong to a stranger (pg 284)” she speaks of her place and gives it a very negative view where she does not feel like it is her home or even a place of comfort. The image of the rotting fruit and dirty dishes give way to her emotional feeling. Yet, at the very end of the novel she says, “in my mind I wander through my Brooklyn apartment where the dishes are done and the floors swept, looking for my gloves – the fifth pair I’ve lost this winter, I’ll find them when I get home (pg 293)”. She changes her mindset. Now the dishes are cleaned and the apartment is in tact. She also calls it “home” for the first time. I feel that the end is symbolic in the fact that perhaps her mindset is changing and she is seeing things in a more positive way and hopefully she is or will be getting better or perhaps learning to survive and conquer her condition.